We say it so often, right? “You have to love yourself before someone else can love you.”
“Love yourself first and then everything else falls in line.”
“If you don’t love yourself, how can someone else love you?”
I know I have been guilty of saying things at various times. And, if it were that easy, we would just all do it, right? So that got me thinking about ACTIONABLE ideas for how you can begin to love yourself in the exact body you have right now. (And, in my case, it’s my fat body.) I feel like these somewhat tired “sayings” can sound so flippant sometimes. I don’t want to be flip. I want to share actionable ideas about how you can learn to LOVE your fat self.
I decided to ask my followers on Facebook and see how they began the process of falling in love with themselves. I am sharing here with permission:
Elena Geesey I smile at myself in the mirror & say Hey gorgeous!!!
Rachel Hockaday I started by following plus size models and activists… seeing people of my size who I thought were beautiful really helped me to see myself without thinking I was ugly because I was fat. Also, when I was having bad days and felt like I was “hating” myself, I made myself point out things I loved about me until I drowned out the hate ♡♡
Jennifer: I know this will sound wrong but antidepressants helped me a lot. I actually take them for anxiety, the antidepressant part is an added bonus. To explain, it really took away a lot of the anxiety I had about not looking how I thought people felt I should look so I could really focus on really seeing my true self, good and bad, physical as well as non tangible aspects. I realized how I felt about myself was largely up to me. I started to live the way I wanted, not the way I thought I was expected to. If I wanted to wear makeup or do my hair I did. If I wanted to go out and have fun I did. If I wanted to wear something unexpected I did. I like who I am when I do them and having the freedom I felt I had when I was thin feels awesome. It does hurt my feelings when someone says or does something nasty towards me based on my weight, but I realized their attitude is more about them then about me. I like who I am as a person. I am more than what is on the outside. I just needed help pushing the reset button so I could see it.
Marlene Rose Bocanegra I have been fat my whole life. I am a good person, and help others. I have never been needy for attention, as someone who mentioned above, the men who I find attractive, find me attractive as well. I realized..I’m not everyone’s cup of tea.. So I never take it personal. Just as I don’t think the “typical” hot guys are sexy (Brad Pitt, George Clooney) there are others who find me cute, pretty, beautiful and even sexy (all words that have been used to describe me) Of course I’ve been called fugly, as well as many other names (behind the computer keyboard of course) What I’m trying to get at, is focus on yourself, your loved ones, and the positivity you get from others. When you get the negativity, don’t take it personal… Believe me, this took me years to “get”.
Rachel Llanez Don’t shy away from full length mirrors. Stand there and look at yourself from every angle and let the bad thoughts come but for every mean thing you say to/about yourself say two nice things. Eventually the nice will come easier than the mean. Also look at lots of pictures online of fierce fat beautiful women.
Tasha Hendrick Wow, this sounds terrible but, I finally realized that most people are jerks and that they were still jerks when I was thinner. In other words… That you will never please some people that really use fat shaming as a way to bully in a way that society accepts.That took over 40 years there and I’m still working on it some days, like when I have to visit in laws and their fat shaming crap.
Stacy Sims McFly I started by catching myself thinking negative thoughts about myself that I would never think about others. Starting changing the way I talk to myself (out loud if needed)…..even if it is a full out argument between Self Doubt Stacy and Fabulously Sassy Stacy. …the sassy one started getting louder over time.
Kathy Sonnier Vignes Positive affirmations. I noticed I felt worthwhile when people told me I was worthy. So I eventually started telling myself. Now not a day goes by that I don’t tell myself at least once that I’m beautiful, smart, and worthy.
Marisa Scrivner It took until this past year to start loving myself, so 39 years. My advice, silence that voice that says you’re never good enough, for whatever reason. Sometimes, you have to have positive affirmations multiple times a day.
Cathy B: It started with realizing that many men I’m attracted to find me attractive as well and silencing my mother’s voice in my head that said, “You’d be so pretty if you just lost a few pounds.”
Tina Cervantes Hug your belly. When laying in bed, before you go to sleep at night, give your belly a big ol hug. Touch it. Feel it. That belly holds you together, literally
Marian Fasbennder I go to the hairdresser, I’ve got my manicure and pedicure done time to time, I also take beauty treatments for my legs and tummy, etc etc. I always bought nice clothes and perfums. I’m not rich but I always save money to invest in me.
Julianna Hays I’ve always been a larger built female. Again, like so many other larger built girls/ladies, I was always told that I had to go on a diet to get healthier. It took me 30 years to finally to start liking myself. I had to let my inner beauty (my soul) shine through to my outer beauty (my body). I took it in steps… first I decided to start sleeping alone in the nude. Once I was comfortable doing that, then I started to look at myself in the mirror and tell myself what I loved about my body, until I got to my belly. When I got there, I kept telling myself that it’s part of my body and I have to accept it “as is”. By then, I had started to date again after a 7 year hiatus. I found that these men loved being around me and made me feel absolutely gorgeous! Even when I didn’t quite feel so. After dating a few of them and finally finding the one, I started to believe them and my confidence shot through the roof! Now, I don’t care what others think of my size. Also, I tell myself that in my world, I’m perfect! I run/walk half marathons and I rock it! I might not be the fastest, but I finish upright! And I’m drop-dead gorgeous… inside and out.
Patricia : In the beginning of falling in love with me I would pick one thing about my body that I liked and complement that part of me for a week then continue to different parts of my body. Not only did that boost my self esteem I learned so much about my body that I never knew. I don’t always think positive thoughts but its a work in progress!
Kitty: I had my husband take a few nude photos of myself. I then used tracing paper and traced myself a few times. I used the outlines to doodle in and color. It is relaxing and makes me see my nude self in a completely different way.
Beth: I spent a bunch of time at nudist camps and beaches. It helped me realize that bodies come in all shapes and sizes, and they are all beautiful and quirky. It also helped me become more comfortable in my own skin.
Stacy Sims McFly Compliment other women. Notice their beauty. Don’t judge others. We tend to assume others think the way we do so if we start thinking well of others, we start to assume that’s what they are thinking of us.
Ellen Arrington Dillow The first step was realizing that the only opinion of me that matters is my own.
Pattijean: start by finding apart of you that you like, i love my big blue eyes, and i love my smile, they make me love my face, then i love my hair etc and a reason for each part of you that you can say you love then realize it is all part of your big beautiful self!
Heather: The start of my journey was lots of selfies…I had power of taking pictures of myself where I was in control and could feel pretty. I’m kind of obsessed with making sure I have pictures of me in outfits that make me feel pretty – even with my chubby arms and chubby legs on display. I was nervous about being a chubby Wonder Woman…but I did it! No regrets
Barbara: I’m a Licensed Funeral Director/Embalmer….Here are a few thoughts….
I’ve buried a lot of people in my day….the majority of them were thin! Do you get my point?? If you feel good….you ARE fine!! Enjoy your life, Enjoy your body because it’s the only one you have & it’s beautiful! Clothing stores like Curvy Girl Lingerie, Lane Bryant (Now not 50 years ago) & other Plus Size stores are the places that make me smile because I know I can look like everyone else…
Amy: I have struggled with weight my whole life. However, several years ago Italian Vogue had plus size models in a beautiful spread. Since then, I take time to put on make-up, adorn myself with gorgeous jewelry, and dress well (and of course, have my days off in sweats!). I also take belly dancing with a beautiful, curvaceous teacher, and I make sure I am in nature every day, moving my body. I may be round, but I aim for good health and making my body-temple into art!
Christine: Every time I say something negative to myself or about myself I make myself say 3 good things
This is a super comprehensive list of ideas that are truly actionable. Sketching your naked body, nudist camps, self love mantras, belly dancing, ignoring other’s opinions, following other beautiful fat women via social media. Love them all and thank you to everyone who joined in the conversation.
(Link to the LIVE Facebook Thread with these quotes here.)
For me, personally, I was fortunate to grow up with a lot of unconditional love so that got me off to a great start. But, I am 48 now and when I need to learn to LOVE myself more, the things that help me are the following:
1. Spend time with my close family and friends. I love seeing my love I give to them reflected back to me.
2. Spend time near things that are much larger than you. Redwood trees, mountains, animals – what ever makes you happy. It does help to put things about your own body into perspective. (Well, it does for me.)
3. Paying close attention to the things that make me feel really good. Hugs. Cuddles. Sex. Volunteering. Helping my customers. Writing blogs like these that might touch one other human who needs it. Doing lots of the things that make me feel good; that helps me to feel proud of myself and love myself.
4. Paying close attention to what I have to be grateful for. My life is far from perfect. But, I do try with a lot of intention to SIT in my gratitude. Really take it all in… all of the things I have to be thankful for. Sometimes it can start with a “I am so grateful I woke up today” and then I start building on that.
5. Definitely paying attention to other beautiful fat women around me. Paying attention to the women and men I see when I am at the mall or out and about. Appreciating their style, their smile, their bodies… giving them a compliment if it’s not too creepy or off putting.
6. Paying careful attention of the wonders of the world. Appreciating how everyone’s process is so unique. Paying attention to how bodies are so quirky and weird and wonderful.
I am sure there are more. Please add to this if you can think of other ideas about how you LOVE you and your story. How did you come to love you?